Borderstan welcomes new contributor Fox Deatry who will be writing about his keen observations of a Southern Californian stuck in the American Capitol . Email him at fox[AT]borderstan.com.
It is that time of the year again when Washingtonians flock to Ocean City and Rehomo — I meant Rehoboth — to cool off and show the bodies they’ve been working on all winter long. While they migrate, a new flock of species comes into town in what I call ‘The Great Migration.’ These Homo Sapiens tend to be recent grads, Hill interns and peeps with World Bank fellowships.
Rules for New Arrivals
As a public servant, it is supreme my duty to acquaint our newbies with some ‘fundamental’ rules during their stay:
- To fit the mold, you will need to set-up shop in Dupont, Thomas, Scott or Logan Circles. These neighborhoods have transformative-ala Stepford Wife powers. In no time you’ll be shopping at Whole Foods on P Street, treating Vida Fitness as some sort of mothership and drinking those $4 Sunday mimosas at Nellie’s.
- Get a map and a yellow pen. Concentrate on the NW section of the city. Locate 14th, U and P Streets. Highlight, then memorize. Treat these places as safe havens in case of a nuclear disaster or in times when you are in need of a drink and thrills. Plus, in makes for good self-confidence since your Grindr/Blendr will be going off in this part of the city.
- Washingtonians love their pools. For a short time, between Memorial Day and Labor Day, these watering pits are open, so befriend some cool sapiens to hang out with at The Donovan House rooftop.
- DC is the South, thus full gentility is called upon. I don’t request that you marry your cousin, but I do recommend that you add ETA (Estimated Time of Arrival) to your vocabulary. Washingtonians seem to love this word, and based on my theory, I think it’s the humidity.
- That leopard print might have worked well in your small town soiree, but in DC, high-fashion is Brooks Brothers. Preppy is the way to go. And since it’s an international city, fashion won’t make you look gay as some would say; it makes you European.
- Good ole Christian boy or girl and gay? Not to worry. Like the dear Lord Jesus, DC churches prefer to assimilate than segregate. Make sure you check out the following LGBT-friendly denominations: National City Christian, the Luther Place Memorial Church and Saint Thomas Episcopal. They are located in and around 14th Street NW.
I do declare that these rules have a 99% accuracy rate. In case that I’m wrong, blame it on the 1%.