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Dan Segal’s Quick Eater’s Guide to the High Holy Days

by Borderstan.com — September 26, 2012 at 12:00 pm 0

"High Holy Days"

High Holy Days food. (Luis Gomez Photos)

From Dan Segal. Email him at dsegal[AT]borderstan.com and find him on Twitter @segaldg.

Us Jews, we don’t just eat to live, we live to eat. And now that were in the High Holy Days, waist lines and belt buckles are starting to expand. You may have heard that the High Holidays are all about ringing in the New Year and sounding the shofar (aka Ram’s horn), then repenting and, well, Fasting. But, don’t be fooled because eating is really the star of the show.

Yom Kippur, the highest of High Holy Days (not that kind of high, although this will help your eating), is upon us. And, I’m here to help you figure out how to maximize your eating potential after a full day of fasting.

The Quick Plan

  • Fast! (Funny because the day goes by slow as s#%t). As a Reform Jew, this has always been a little open to interpretation (Rabbi, if you are reading this, I’m only kidding)… have a little coffee, have only breakfast, eat only one piece of bacon… actually, skip the bacon for today.
  • Figure out where you are going to break the fast. If your Jewish, this is probably at your mother’s or aunt’s house. If you are not, find a Jewish friend. Chances are their mother may have already invited you.
  • When you arrive to the break fast (not to be mistaken with breakfast, although similar food items), take it all in. Don’t go jumping in on the heavy items all at once. This is a marathon, not a sprint.
  • Sample it all. Take some small portions and taste around. See what you like. If what you like is gefilte fish, get the hell out.
  • Now it’s time to start with the real winner. Your classic bagel and lox spread. Some go open-faced and some go sandwich style. Personally, I like mine on an everything bagel with chive cream cheese, tons of lox, lettuce, tomato, onion, capers, all eaten sandwich style. Otherwise known as the “triple onion, high and holy mouth orgasm.”
  • Quickly find a breath mint. You just had a sandwich with three types of onion on it.
  • Hurry back to the spread. Hungry fasters are not going to leave food sitting around for long.
  • Now is when I really like to dig in. It’s time to load your plate up with the sides. Kugel, check. Challah, check. Cheese blintzes, double check.
  • Sit down and relax. You have just fasted for a day and then eaten an entire day’s worth of food in one meal. You are a sick human being and I suggest you go get help.

It’s that simple. See you next year.

Disclaimer: Sorry if I offended anyone… especially with my comment about gefilte fish. I know it is loved by many. But seriously, that stuff is disguising. 

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