Ask Chelsea: Dear Still Thinking

Looking for advice on how to accomplish your goals and make changes in 2013? Email Chelsea at askchelsea[AT]borderstan.com.

Dear Chelsea,

I recently met a guy visiting my hometown on vacation. The conditions upon which we met are somewhat complicated (he is the brother of my brother’s friend, the friend of my brother being someone I have only been acquainted with via some facebook interactions). Not sure if that info is relevant…Anyhow, met this guy, felt attraction right away, on my end at least. Saw him a few times during the week he was in town.

Conversation was easy, we laughed, chatted etc. and I felt myself wanting to know everything about him. Maybe he was just being a ‘nice guy’ as he certainly is, but now that he has returned home I am still thinking about him. How can I wisely (and should I) maintain contact with him? Should I just be grateful that the fates brought us together for some sweet moments and let it go? hmm?

Sincerely, still thinking about him.

Dear Still Thinking,

I completely sympathize with your story and I, too, have dedicated quite a bit of thought to this idea of chemistry. A rare but distinctive feeling that draws you when you least expect it — for me, it creates a craving to seek that moment again just to remember that these emotions and excitement exist! Particularly because dating itself and waiting for, or choosing, “the one” can become so tiring.

But all this is to say, I and many readers know exactly this kind of chemistry, and subsequently, the fear of coming on too strong. It is that desire to maintain contact mixed with concern for coming at your object of desire out of left field. Honestly, though, you’re more likely to send some kind of embarrassing drunk text or sociopathic email if you repress this instinct to keep contact with this person.

My advice is to go for it — ask your connection, even if bizarrely complicated or distant, for the guy’s contact information. You don’t really have all that much to lose other than rejection (which sounds bad, but makes moving on easier). If he felt the attraction on his end too, then your reaching out won’t seem so weird.

The unfortunate and more likely circumstance may be that the distance may mean that the timing just isn’t quite right for either of you right now. But who knows? You never know where your future may bring either of you and there’s nothing wrong with trying to establish some kind of connection — even if you forgo contacting him by phone directly and it’s as simple as a Facebook friend request. You never know where your paths may cross again and Newsfeed updates certainly facilitate those kind of meet-ups.

I hope, though, that, even if none of this works out, you can then resort to the ideas you express in your last question: appreciate it for what it was. Even if you take the risk and don’t succeed, you can at least have the satisfaction of knowing that you tried and knowing that you have the capacity for such feeling about a person.

You can still revel in the memory! In fact, I believe it’s important to do so even if things don’t work out, so that you can recognize those feelings again when the next instance of chemistry comes along…

Bold feelings require bold actions, and better to lead with your heart than with fear.

Always, Chelsea.

Note to readers: Under DC Law, Chelsea Rinnig is not licensed to practice, and does not represent that she practices: psychiatry, psychology, social work or professional counseling of any kind. This column is written for entertainment purposes only. 

Get an RSS Feed for all Borderstan stories or subscribe to Borderstan’s daily email newsletter.