The Wedding: Who will survive it? (Luis Gomez)
Scott Thompson writes a biweekly column for Borderstan.
From Scott Thompson. Follow Scott on Twitter @foureyedblond or email him at thompson[AT]@borderstan.com.
One month from today, my sister Anne’s wedding kicks off in Louisville, Kentucky.
In the 11 months since my sister emailed a photo of her wedding ring and my father said “Am I the only one who thinks that a small destination wedding is a good idea?… Anyone?” I have learned quite a few things about marriage, family, and the definition of black bean muneta. Given the rash of weddings taking place across the United States this fall, I wanted to share 12 before-and-after lessons and best practices – specifically targeted at brothers and sisters of the bride who find themselves in the eye of the organza hurricane.
Part One: What to Expect While They’re Projecting
1) The film Father of the Bride will no longer be seen as a romantic comedy to be enjoyed.
It is a documentary to be studied.
2) Throwing the phrase “Well, the Wedding Planner said…” into a conversation is the equivalent of throwing a Molotov cocktail.
In your mother’s mind, the wedding planner is a welcome goddess of ideas, innovation, and trusted experience. In your sister’s mind, she is Rasputin.
3) The acronym “DJ” = “Diplomatic Jockeying.”
You mother will want a band. Your sister may/will choose a DJ. Your sister’s fiance will demand Paul Oakenfold. Your father will demand Paul Simon. All attempts by a sibling to enter the fray and propose a diplomatic solution will fail — crushed beneath the weight of “Do you know who is paying for this wedding? Do you?” and “We are NOT playing ‘Nights in White Satin’ by the Moody Blues at my wedding! Is this a joke?”
4) You will know every detail of every wedding you did not attend.
Odds are you turned down numerous invitations to weddings of your parents’ friends’ children due to prohibitive travel costs. Fret not. By the time your sister walks down her own aisle, you will know every detail of every decision behind every passed appetizer and floral arrangement at each of those weddings.
5) Your mother will become a meteorologist.
The moment your sister decides to have an outdoor garden wedding, your mother will become a full-time weather barometer. Every day, for at least six months, you will know precisely what the weather is like in your home town and how it bodes for your sister’s wedding. In most instances, your mother’s phone calls will mirror either Al Roker (“Hi! I don’t know about you guys, but we are having SUCH a gorgeous day — I hope it’s like this on your sister’s wedding day) or Tyra Banks. (“You have no idea what I’ve been through!!”)
6) Your father will become an ostrich.
“How’s the wedding planning going, Dad?” “Everything is fine.” “But what about the fight over the bridesmaids dresses and groomsmen outfits?” “Everything is fine.” “Are they speaking to each other?” “Everything is fine.” “But I thought…” “Everything is fine…everything is fine… everything…….”
To be continued….
