From Farrah Joon. Check out her blog, sexandfessenjoon. Email her at farrah[AT]borderstan.com, follow her on Twitter @Farrah_Joon.
Trusting hand. (Luis Gomez Photos)
I’ve always been very independent when it comes to men. I don’t trust easily and it’s not because I’ve been so scarred for life, but because I feel like every time I begin to trust one — I get let down.
The fear of vulnerability outnumbers any desire to take a risk.
And I’m actually quite okay with that for now because I truly haven’t met anyone that I can see a future with. So it’s really out of sight out of mind for me… until I realized that there are different degrees of trust in any type of “Romantic” relationship:
- You trust your partner to stay committed.
- You trust the guy you are having sex with to refrain from (figuratively) screwing you over.
Regardless, trust is always going to be an issue in any relationship you might have — whether it’s professional, friendship, relationsh*T, etc.
But how do you determine what makes a person trustworthy?
My friends always say “trust is earned”– but how do you know when someone finally earns it?
- They bring you lunch everyday for a week and you decide that you trust them?
- Or they put on a condom without you having to ask therefore, you trust them?
I don’t really buy into the notion that “Trust is earned,” I think trust is a feeling. When you “click” with someone it’s because you feel comfortable with them (whether it’s a friend or a lover).
If someone rubs me the wrong way within five minutes of talking to them — it’s likely that I will never be open to trusting that person. But if I can be comfortable with someone and hold an enjoyable conversation — then I’m likely to trust that person in the future. Make sense?
Of course a lot more plays into my instant reaction to trust or not to trust. Or am I just relying too much on my emotional connection to a person?
Are we all just constantly proving ourselves to each other as a trustworthy counterpart or can someone tell that I will keep their secrets just by looking at my face?
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Looking for advice on how to accomplish your goals and make changes in 2013? Email Chelsea at askchelsea[AT]borderstan.com.
Chelsea Rinnig is one of Borderstan writers. (Luis Gomez Photos)
Dear Chelsea,
I recently met a guy visiting my hometown on vacation. The conditions upon which we met are somewhat complicated (he is the brother of my brother’s friend, the friend of my brother being someone I have only been acquainted with via some facebook interactions). Not sure if that info is relevant…Anyhow, met this guy, felt attraction right away, on my end at least. Saw him a few times during the week he was in town.
Conversation was easy, we laughed, chatted etc. and I felt myself wanting to know everything about him. Maybe he was just being a ‘nice guy’ as he certainly is, but now that he has returned home I am still thinking about him. How can I wisely (and should I) maintain contact with him? Should I just be grateful that the fates brought us together for some sweet moments and let it go? hmm?
Sincerely, still thinking about him.
Dear Still Thinking,
I completely sympathize with your story and I, too, have dedicated quite a bit of thought to this idea of chemistry. A rare but distinctive feeling that draws you when you least expect it — for me, it creates a craving to seek that moment again just to remember that these emotions and excitement exist! Particularly because dating itself and waiting for, or choosing, “the one” can become so tiring.
But all this is to say, I and many readers know exactly this kind of chemistry, and subsequently, the fear of coming on too strong. It is that desire to maintain contact mixed with concern for coming at your object of desire out of left field. Honestly, though, you’re more likely to send some kind of embarrassing drunk text or sociopathic email if you repress this instinct to keep contact with this person.
My advice is to go for it — ask your connection, even if bizarrely complicated or distant, for the guy’s contact information. You don’t really have all that much to lose other than rejection (which sounds bad, but makes moving on easier). If he felt the attraction on his end too, then your reaching out won’t seem so weird.
The unfortunate and more likely circumstance may be that the distance may mean that the timing just isn’t quite right for either of you right now. But who knows? You never know where your future may bring either of you and there’s nothing wrong with trying to establish some kind of connection — even if you forgo contacting him by phone directly and it’s as simple as a Facebook friend request. You never know where your paths may cross again and Newsfeed updates certainly facilitate those kind of meet-ups.
I hope, though, that, even if none of this works out, you can then resort to the ideas you express in your last question: appreciate it for what it was. Even if you take the risk and don’t succeed, you can at least have the satisfaction of knowing that you tried and knowing that you have the capacity for such feeling about a person.
You can still revel in the memory! In fact, I believe it’s important to do so even if things don’t work out, so that you can recognize those feelings again when the next instance of chemistry comes along…
Bold feelings require bold actions, and better to lead with your heart than with fear.
Always, Chelsea.
Note to readers: Under DC Law, Chelsea Rinnig is not licensed to practice, and does not represent that she practices: psychiatry, psychology, social work or professional counseling of any kind. This column is written for entertainment purposes only.
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Looking for advice on how to accomplish your goals and make changes in 2013? Email Chelsea at askchelsea[AT]borderstan.com.
Chelsea Rinnig is one of Borderstan writers. (Luis Gomez Photos)
Dear Chelsea
I have been dating a girl for almost three months. Right off the bat she said she just wanted to date and wasn’t interested in a relationship. I understood where she was coming from, and it didn’t bother me since I wasn’t really looking for anything myself. Since then it’s starting to feel like a relationship, but she refuses to call it one. Why is she putting up such a barrier and what should I do about it?
Sincerely, Non-boyfriend
Dear Non-boyfriend,
A number of reasons could exist as to why she does not want to call your “dating” a relationship. She could have had a serious relationship in the past that traumatized her, emotionally; she might believe that calling it a relationship would scare you away if you too have given the impression that you aren’t really looking for one; she might value her independence and feel that committing to you would give that up.
Have you tried asking her?
I could make suppositions all day long to explain her reasons for acting as such — you will not get the true answer until you ask her. The key is not to phrase it in the form of an accusation, i.e. “why are you putting up such a barrier,” or “why don’t you want a relationship.” Rather, ask her this: “I get the sense that there’s a reason you don’t want a relationship, do you want to talk about it?” and “Is there anything I can do to make this more comfortable for you?”
Maybe understanding her past and, likewise, sharing yours can bring you two together in a way that breaks down that barrier. Show her that you understand and sympathize with her limitations, and that you’re willing to accommodate to them.
Oftentimes it can be easy to think that your behavior has influenced another’s treatment towards you. Most of the time, though, you have absolutely nothing to do with it. Everyone carries their own baggage through life that can be as complex as a difficult childhood experience or as simple as a tough day at work. Understanding this and listening to that person when they need you, especially when it comes to your significant other, will both increase your patience for a person and bring you two together.
Maybe it’s starting to feel like a relationship — well, then let it be what it is and enjoy it. Who cares about the definition? If you end up wanting more and become interested in having a relationship, it sounds like you’ll need to be the one to ask for it. And who knows? Maybe she says she doesn’t want a relationship because she’s waiting for you to make the first move.
Always, Chelsea.
Note to readers: Under DC Law, Chelsea Rinnig is not licensed to practice, and does not represent that she practices: psychiatry, psychology, social work or professional counseling of any kind. This column is written for entertainment purposes only.
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From Farrah Joon. Check out her blog, sexandfessenjoon. Email her at farrah[AT]borderstan.com, follow her on Twitter @Farrah_Joon.
Three’s a crowd. (Farrah Joon)
I was taught that independence is defining. “Be your own woman, Farrah. Never let a man make decisions for you.” Those are the words that my mother repeatedly emphasized for as long as I can remember.
When my parents divorced, my mother’s emphatic cries only became more frequent (and slightly more extreme), “All men are scum. You have to be able to take care of yourself.”
And I agree — I believe that it is important to be independent and that I shouldn’t have to get married to ensure safety and comfort for myself. Then again, I also believe that my dad should live forever so I can continue to depend on him (but that’s a story for another time).
I always thought that my parents would back me up on my decision to put off relationships (specifically commitment to another person) until I felt ready and settled in my professional life. But then, I turned 26.
At 26, I’m straddling the line between young and “torshideh” or pickled (if directly translated). In the Iranian culture, once you begin to “pickle” then you can forget about any and all marriage prospects. It’s every Persian mother’s nightmare for their daughter to be pickled.
By your late 20’s, if an Iranian man hasn’t claimed you yet then forget about it.
On the day of my birthday — my grandmother called me from Iran and said, “Farrah, I have found you a husband.”
Say what?!
Even my mother, the independence promoter, has essentially sent out a “husband request” to all of her friends who have eligible sons (meaning doctors, lawyers or engineers).
“Farrah, he bought his last girlfriend a Meeeer-ceh-des. He is very good. You should date him.”
I’ve never met this man you speak of.
I feel torn. I don’t feel pickled, or rotting, or past my prime as my grandmother would “gently” put it. But at the same time, all this talk of finding a man before it’s too late terrifies me. That little voice in my head is constantly nagging me that I better start my search before I’m too torshideh for my own good.
And I resent that. Screw this BS that a woman is somehow less worthy because she doesn’t have a man standing by her side. If I don’t have children or a husband, will that somehow define my value as a woman?
And if so, then why? Because it’s “normal” to have a husband and a family? How can we define “normal” these days anyway? Living in the 21st century, our images of a “happy family” have dramatically changed (if you’re educated at least…).
My point is — normal doesn’t exist. Everyone has their own image of what a normal life is like and, frankly, I don’t think that attaching myself to a man to define me is normal. It sounds like a prison sentence. I would much rather a man had to attach himself to me instead.
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From Farrah Joon. Check out her blog, sexandfessenjoon. Email her at farrah[AT]borderstan.com, follow her on Twitter @Farrah_Joon.
Anytime networking?. (Farrah Joon)
Every moment has the potential to be an opportunity. In DC, everyone means business. We’re hardwired with a competitive nature. Just attend a networking event.
I’ll admit, I’ve networked my a** off: in line at the bathroom, on the Red Line, walking home. Time is money — and my time was dedicated to establishing a lasting impression.
Of course, all of that changed when I got a job I enjoy. Now my time on the metro is spent blasting Persian rap through my headphones with a “don’t talk to me” look plastered on my face. While I ditched the network-and-metro gig, I always have my game face on for happy hour. You have to be down to network (and work hard… obviously) in this city if you want to excel.
And we carry that networking attitude with us in most of our interactions — remember, time is money — meeting new friends, coworkers, and potential dates.
Almost every interaction I have with a guy covers the following bases within the first few minutes:
- occupation
- hometown
- education
I’m on a date interview before I’ve even decided if I’m interested in the position. The mystery goes down an entire notch by minute four. After one conversation, I know whether my parents will approve of him as my boyfriend. If the conversation is this generic, my parents will likely be bored with him, too.
The Best Kid
We ask because (1) we want to make sure the person is not a whack-job and (2) our competitive nature is coming out to play. We want to know how the person levels up to us. When we’re networking or making a pass at someone, we’re attempting to create a memorable image of ourselves within seconds.
I’ve been programmed to do this. In the Iranian community, our livelihood relies on our image. My mother constantly criticized me for having lower grades than the other kids and bragged about the success of my piano recital to parents. Since my report card didn’t earn bragging rights, she had to get creative. All of the kids were placed in a “Who’s The Best Kid” competition.
As I got older, my family in Iran began asking different questions – my cooking abilities, cleanliness, marriage prospects. My non-existent rice cooking expertise and the overdue laundry in the corner of my room forced my mom to be creative again.
“Farrah vas a virgin for a very long time. She vasn’t like her Ah-mer-ee-kan friends.”
Thanks, mom.
The urge to create an image exists in every aspect of our lives and sometimes that never-ending competition gets exhausting. Sometimes the pressure to be the best just leads to insecurity and frustration — who wants to deal with that?
When it comes to networking, pick a time and place — walking out of the bathroom stall is not preferable. As for dating, we should probably stop judging people on their hometown. My mother is a whole different story.
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